I know that over the last year or so, I’ve been really mindful and aware of the fact that I’d felt stuck. So many of the dreams I’d had seemed out of reach, and I could not figure out why.
It struck me that I’m SUCH a planner, such a project manager, that a lot of my energy had gone into planning. In big ideas of how things will look WHEN …. you know, when I get my PMP Certification. When I finally finish the bathroom vanity … when I move my blog to wordpress.
All of this stuff was riding on a big fat WHEN. My future. The whole thing, it seemed like I had about 100 “predecessor tasks” (project management speak for “stuff that has to happen before this other thing can happen) before anything juicy could actually take place.
I realized that this was a bunch of BS and that I was actually giving myself some very convincing excuses (if not a few places to hide) from the things that I was saying I really wanted in my life.
What I’ve decided is that I have to get out of the place in my head that had so many “to dos” and get into that place in my HEART where I can live out my values, my intentions, and BE who I was born to be.
When I’m living from that place, from listening to my heart, to doing what I knew I really wanted, well things get easier. It’s easier to blog, to think up topics, to embrace leading retreats, and to really just live out who I am.
One of the things that I’d had the hardest time with, for a very long time, was being open about my spirituality. I had a very closed off, compartmentalized way of approaching my religious beliefs. I didn’t talk about them, never openly invited people to retreats, or posted “personal” stuff on my Facebook page. But yet I wanted people to read this blog, to follow along. Something was holding me back, perhaps the fear of sharing too much, or the fear of getting judged and rejected.
It’s still rocky. I still make mistakes, but I’m no longer constantly worried about how certain things appear, or worried that I need to do 73 things ahead of doing the one thing I really want to do. I just jump in and embrace it.
This is freeing. It’s exciting and can be terrifying. But I like this new way of “being” (not “doing”) things even better.